Zeppix - Scene 3

[Kyon]

Scene Info
Zeppix wakes up, and has no idea what is happening.
Things look very bright.

In this scene this must happen:
- He is brought to the palace by ??
- ??
- ??

Texts

[ExWhyZed]

I think that some Daemon's are employed to collect new daemons and take them to the Citadel for initiation. These have pale blue skin.

Scene III:
Zeppix is lying down, and everything is bright. ?A sword is in his chest, but it comes out when he pulls it.? A pale blue daemon flies down.
Pale Blue Daemon: Hallo Zeppix. It is understandable that you feel as you do.
Pale Blue Daemon has a feminine voice, and female body.
Zeppix: Who are you? Where am I? How do you know my name?
Pale Blue Daemon: You may call me Sylnyte. I am an envoy. You will follow me please.
Zeppix: What?
Sylnyte starts to fly away.
Zeppix: Wait, I can't follow you!
Sylnyte: Look at yourself, Zeppix.
Zeppix realises he is a Daemon.
Zeppix: Oh my God...
Sylnyte: Come ON, Zeppix!
Zeppix flies after Sylnyte. They go higher and higher until they reach a flying palace.
Zeppix: Oh my God...
Sylnyte: Behold the Citadel!
They land on a platform, and enter a grand hall. Zeppix takes a seat at the bottom, and at the top, Vaizakk is sitting on a throne, speaking to the large assembaly of daemons..
Vaizakk: ...and then humanity shall be wiped from the planet. If any of you stand against me, approach the throne.
Zeppix makes to stand up, but Sylnyte holds him back. Two or three daemons approach the pedestal the throne is on.
Vaizakk: Fools.
Hole opens in the pedestal, and the daemons are engulfed in boiling liquid, killing them. Vaizakk turns to Zeppix.
Vaizakk: We have a new daemon! We will skip the training, he is now in my army.
Zeppix: No!
Zeppix starts running for the exit. A trapdoor opens beneath him, and he falls.
Zeppix: Aaargh! Oh wait...
Zeppix flaps his wings, and starts flying. He is over a city. Suddenly, a helicopter starts coming towards him...

[Kyon]

A woman daemon.
Nice thinking Zed!

Though, things go too fast.
Zeppix can't fly yet.
He learns later.

Also, Vaizakk is gone already. Right?
He went to his own hide-out or something.

So, Sylnyte is taking him to the palace, holding Zeppix his arm.
Zeppix doesn't see much though.

She brings him to the palace... and then? :)

[Kyon]

What I think should happen:
- Zeppix wakes up.
- Sees (in his eyes) an 'angel' flying towards him.
- She grabs him, and pulls him up.
- A big palace is shown.
- ??

[ExWhyZed]

Scene III: Attempt II

Zeppix: Eugh... My head...
Enter Sylnyte.
Zeppix: Oh, God... An angel. So I'm dead.
Sylnyte: You will come with me, Zeppix.
Zeppix: Oh, God...
Sylnyte grabs hold of him, and they fly. About 10 seconds pass.
Sylnyte: Behold, the Citadel!
The Citadel can be seen.
Zeppix: Heaven? I shall meet my mother!
Sylnyte: This isn't Heaven. This is the Citadel of Daemons.
Zeppix: Of what? Do you mean Hell?
Sylnyte: Zeppix: You aren't dead!
Zeppix: Oh, God...
Zeppix faints.

[Kyon]

Hmm...
For the intro of the scene.
Maybe, things are all blurry and bright.
You see from Zeppix his eyes.
An angel is coming.
She grabs you, you hear this reverb voice: "Come with me Zeppix..."
Then, when he sees clear, you see the palace. And a conversation starts.

But, I also need ideas of what happens in the Palace.
And Zeppix is actually dead :)
He is like a ghost.
Zeppix his body still lies dead, on the ground, while the daemon Zeppix is flying away.

:)

[ExWhyZed]

What happens in the Citadel, eh?
Ok, maybe Zeppix gets equipped as a soldier? Maybe he gets briefed to destroy humanity as a part of Vaizarr's army, and he runs away?

[Kyon]

Here, see?
We don't have a plot yet.
What is happening in the story, what is their goal...

I want Zeppix to remain in the good team.
And, when Zeppix is at the Palace, Vaizakk is already gone with a group.

In the Palace, Zeppix needs to find out he died.
He also learns how to fly, and he learns what the "Hunters" are.

Some sort of training, but he doesn't get to know everything.
Like, who he is, what he is, why he is what he is. =P

[ExWhyZed]

Scene III, attempt III

Everything is blurred. A pale blue female figure approaches Zeppix.
Sylnyte: Zeppix. You will come with me.
Zeppix: Am... am I dead?
Sylnyte: Yes. All shall be explained.
Sylnyte takes Zeppix, and carries him to the Citadel.
Zeppix: Is... is this Heaven?
Sylnyte: This is the Citadel of the Daemons.
A large, muscular, dark green daemon approaches the duo. He speaks very gruffly
Monindio: I will take the boy from here, Sylnyte.
Sylnyte: Go with Monindio, Zeppix. He will teach you all you need to know.
Confused, Zeppix walks after Monindio.
Zeppix: So... I'm dead then. Are you?
Monindio: Yes.
Zeppix: How did I die?
Monindio: You will stop asking questions.
Zeppix: Sorry, I guess...
Monindio: First of all, you must learn how to fly.
They have stopped in a large room with a hole taking up most of the centre. This leads all the way down to Earth below.
Zeppix: Whoah... How can I fly?
Monindio: You have wings. Flap them.
Zeppix does so, and hovers in the air a little.
Zeppix: Wow!
Monindio: The rest you learn with practise.
Monindio shoves Zeppix off the side of the hole, and Zeppix falls. He gets his balance, and flies back up again.
Monindio: Your weapons will be in your room. Go there, and you will find them. Come back to me.
Monindio wanders off.
Zeppix: Wait! Where is my room? Damnit. He's gone.
A pale purple female daemon approaches Zeppix.
Malla: Never mind Monindio, Zeppix. He's always like this. Your room, I think, is number 3267. That's one floor up from here.
Zeppix: Thanks. Hey; do you know how I died?
Malla: Myroel's sword... I don't really want to talk about it...
Zeppix: Who's Myroel?
Malla: Shush! Careless talk... Now get to your room!

[Kyon]

Ok, thats really awesome man!
Still, there need to be some things edited.

I don't want Zeppix to know that he is dead 'yet'.
I actually want it to be the end of a scene.
Like, after alot of confusing stuff, he yells: "Will someone tell me what the heck happened!?" (this is a example)
Then someone comes to him, smiling: "You died, Zeppix".

Scene Ends...
Also, in your texts, please put yourself in the character.
I would almost freak out, like, wtf, I got wings.

"What the hell?! How did...!?"
"Answers will be given soon, we need to do something else first."

[ExWhyZed]

Scene III, attempt III

Everything is blurred. A pale blue female figure approaches Zeppix.
Sylnyte: Zeppix. You will come with me.
Zeppix: Am... am I dead?
Sylnyte: All shall be explained.
Sylnyte takes Zeppix, and carries him to the Citadel.
Zeppix: Is... is this Heaven?
Sylnyte: This is the Citadel of the Daemons.
A large, muscular, dark green daemon approaches the duo. He speaks very gruffly
Monindio: I will take the boy from here, Sylnyte.
Sylnyte: Go with Monindio, Zeppix. He will teach you all you need to know.
Confused, Zeppix walks after Monindio.
Zeppix: Hallo... Who are you?
Monindio: I am the Trainer: Monindio.
Zeppix: How are you?
Monindio: You will stop asking questions.
Zeppix: Sorry, I guess...
Monindio: First of all, you must learn how to fly.
They have stopped in a large room with a hole taking up most of the centre. This leads all the way down to Earth below.
Zeppix: Whoah... I can't fly...
Monindio: You have wings. Flap them.
Zeppix: No, I don't.
Monindio: Yes, you do.
Mondindio grabs Zeppix, and places him in front of a large mirror.
Zeppix: Good Lord... How? WHAT?!
Monindio: Calm down, Zeppix.
Zeppix: But I've got damn WINGS, man! What the HELL?!
Monindio: Yes, you do. Try flapping them.
Zeppix does so, and hovers in the air a little.
Zeppix: Wow!
Monindio: The rest you learn with practise.
Monindio shoves Zeppix off the side of the hole, and Zeppix falls. He gets his balance, and flies back up again.
Monindio: Your weapons will be in your room. Go there, and you will find them. Come back to me.
Monindio wanders off.
Zeppix: Wait! Where is my room? Damnit. He's gone.
A pale purple female daemon approaches Zeppix.
Malla: Never mind Monindio, Zeppix. He's always like this. Your room, I think, is number 3267. That's one floor up from here.
Zeppix: Thanks. Hey; do you know how I died?
Malla: Myroel's sword... I don't really want to talk about it...
Zeppix: Who's Myroel?
Malla: Shush! Careless talk... Now get to your room!

[Kyon]

Way better.
The beginning he says: "Am... Am I dead?"
I will change that in: "W-What happened?"

Also, you should change the ending.
He talks about: "How did I die" when he doesn't know that he is dead.

And, we have to shorten this scene.
So, split it up in two Scenes.

Oh and: "Is this heaven?"
I will change to: "What... What is that!?"

Things also need to be more exciting.
Maybe, after he learns to fly, he goes to his room.
And the next day, his fighting training starts.
Wich will be awesome ofcourse.

[ExWhyZed]

[quote="ExWhyZed"]Scene III, attempt III

Everything is blurred. A pale blue female figure approaches Zeppix.
Sylnyte: Zeppix. You will come with me.
Zeppix: Wh- what happened?
Sylnyte: All shall be explained.
Sylnyte takes Zeppix, and carries him to the Citadel.
Zeppix: Where... WHAT is that?
Sylnyte: This is the Citadel of the Daemons.
A large, muscular, dark green daemon approaches the duo. He speaks very gruffly
Monindio: I will take the boy from here, Sylnyte.
Sylnyte: Go with Monindio, Zeppix. He will teach you all you need to know.
Confused, Zeppix walks after Monindio.
Zeppix: Hallo... Who are you?
Monindio: I am the Trainer: Monindio.
Zeppix: How are you?
Monindio: You will stop asking questions.
Zeppix: Sorry, I guess...
Monindio: First of all, you must learn how to fly.
They have stopped in a large room with a hole taking up most of the centre. This leads all the way down to Earth below.
Zeppix: Whoah... I can't fly...
Monindio: You have wings. Flap them.
Zeppix: No, I don't.
Monindio: Yes, you do.
Mondindio grabs Zeppix, and places him in front of a large mirror.

[Kyon]

Perfect,
great ending!

[Kyon]

I already started the beginning, and I changed it a bit:"

You look through the eyes of Zeppix
Zeppix: Where am I?
A scary kid is standing somewhere
Zeppix: What is this kid doing here?
Things black out again.
Zeppix opens his eyes, and sees something flying towards him.
Zeppix: An Angel?


Above is what I already made in Scene 3.


EDIT
TP, could you take care of the girl voice?
I still need: "Come with me, Zeppix..."
For Scylnyte.

[TP09]

Improved Zephyr's attempt:

Everything is blurred. A pale blue female figure approaches Zeppix.
Sylnyte: Zeppix. You will come with me.
Zeppix: What... What happened?
Sylnyte: All shall be explained, now come.
Sylnyte takes Zeppix, and carries him to the Citadel.
Zeppix: Where... WHAT is that?
Sylnyte: This... is the Citadel of the Daemons.
A large, muscular, dark green daemon approaches the duo. He speaks very gruffly
Monindio: I will take the boy from here, Sylnyte.
Sylnyte: Go with Monindio, Zeppix. He will teach you all you need to know.
Confused, Zeppix walks after Monindio.
Zeppix: Hallo... Who are you?
Monindio: I am your Trainer: Monindio.
Zeppix: My trainer? To train for what?
Monindio: Stop asking questions.
Zeppix: Sorry..., I guess...
Monindio: First of all, you must learn how to fly.
They have stopped in a large room with a hole taking up most of the centre. This leads all the way down to Earth below.
Zeppix: Whoah... I can't fly...
Monindio: You have wings. Flap them.
Zeppix: What?! I don't have...
Zeppix turns his head and sees himself in the mirror
Zeppix: wings.

[Kyon]

Oh thats way better already.
Thanks for the improvement Bob!

[TP09]

Oh thats way better already.
Thanks for the improvement Bob!

Thanks,
I just hope Zephyr won't hate me now :P

[Kyon]

Oh thats way better already.
Thanks for the improvement Bob!

Thanks,
I just hope Zephyr won't hate me now :P

If he does, ignore him.

[ExWhyZed]

Hey, I seriously don't like some of these modifications. Monindio is meant to be twisted, and I wanted the scene to end abruptly with just silence. Your other modifications seem pointless as they take away from the effect I was trying to create. I will post another modified version soon.

[Kyon]

Oh I actually like he ending.
"I don't have..." (sees the wings) "...wings."

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